Giving My Children Custody of their Own Lives

One afternoon, when my youngest daughter, then age 18, was in a talkative mood she began sharing details of her life with me, a stream of conscience that ran from what she’d done over the weekend and trailing into future plans she might expand on that in her mind were sound and logical. But I was still in the reactive state otherwise known as the—mother of three teenagers—meaning that I was still into pre-ventative parenting, still curbing the war. 

If the teen years can be described as a see saw of emotions for teenagers experiencing it, the same must be said for their mothers. So naturally I began giving my daughter the low down on how I felt about what she’d just told me. We almost began a heated argument, and we would have except that she said. “Stop it Mom, you have to be willing to listen to my ideas without always giving me advice.” 

I took a deep breath, and all at once realized that no matter how much I wanted to guide her and protect her from ever having to experience any of the dangers that exist in adult life as she walked towards independence—I couldn’t. 

“OK,” I said, “I guess it’s time for me to give you to yourself. “ She rolled her eyes and replied, “Yes, you’d better, because I have friends whose parents refuse to do it, and their kids who won’t talk about everything the way I do; they just tell their parents what they think they want to hear.” Then without missing a beat she continued on talking, telling me things. 

At one point I slipped back into advice giving, and she said. “Mom, stop it. Because, when you have too many opinions about my life, you create a wall between us, and you’ve just put up another brick.” 

That day we coined the family joke about the “Wall” and when I became overly involved in her life, it reminded me to stop. 

You’ve heard the term that doctors practice medicine. I like to think of parents as practicing parenting. Nobody has it figured out. But the other day I came across the best quote, “When you come to the edge of all you’ve known and are about to step into the darkness, one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”

This essay was first published in a slightly different form by EMK Press.